


I Won't See Your Face Again

by darkangel1978



Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: Angst, Difficult Decisions, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 07:15:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9982430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkangel1978/pseuds/darkangel1978
Summary: Everything happened up to “The Graduate”. Expect turbulances, but never lose hope.





	

 

 

 

 

 

_One day I’ll stop breathing_  
_My heart will stop beating_  
_I won’t see your face again_  
_This flesh and blood is weak_  
_And life isn’t ours to keep_  
_Sometimes it has to end_  
_In time even memories fade away_  
_With time you might live to forgive and forget_  
_The mistakes that I made_

 

**May 16th, 2001**

The graduation ceremony was over. High School was over. Pacey had left, not only her but everyone. It was over.

The sun was gone and the night’s darkness surrounded her. She had always hated the dark. Especially when she was alone. She could never sleep without a nightlight plugged into the socket next to the door. The only times she did not need it had been when she was sleeping with Pacey beside her.

Ever since her mother had become sick it had been like this. She needed light, the sun, love... the knowledge that she was being loved. Maybe that was selfish, but she couldn’t help it. She was weak while everybody thought her to be strong. She had to have this feeling of security to survive.

She had lost it so often but this time was the worst of all. Maybe because it was the last straw. Maybe because she knew that it was her very own fault she had lost the one she loved most of all. Maybe it was a combination of both.

_“When I'm with you, I feel like I'm nothing. That's why I flinch when you come to touch me. It's why I never touch you. Why I never even think about it.”_

She knew that feeling. She made him feel like nothing, because that was what she was... nothing.

_“I've become a man who hates himself so much he can't even look at his own reflection in the mirror, and I wish that I could tell you that being with you doesn't make that worse, but it does... because the more that you love me in spite of that, the angrier that I get at you... and the more that I stop loving you back.”_

He had been the first to actually voice it. The first of many who had cut their losses before he had cut his own.

Her presence made people stop loving her, made them leave her in one way or the other. She was the reason for it. It would always be like this. Finally her questions had found an answer.

This was the sign she had feared for so long. Feared because somehow she had known and she was prepared.

Maybe the time had come to do things, end things.

Joey opened the drawer of her nightstand. The locked metal box was there like she knew it would be. Though...

Not yet. Just a controlling look. Everything she needed was in that box. Waiting for her because she had delayed the inevitable once and again whenever a small glint of hope had fooled her.

Not yet. There were things she had to arrange in advance. There was still the spark he had left within her. The spark which refused to give in.

Not yet. Maybe she could delay it for a last time. It would be waiting for her.

The warm glow of the nightlight faded to black as her eyes closed yet promised to keep shining for her, for a little while longer.

 

 

~*~

 

**August 7th, 2001**

Twelve weeks had passed since the only person that mattered to her and for her future had left.

Not one word from him. Not one call. Not one stupid postcard. Nothing. Well, it was appropriate though, nothing for nothing.

Their would-be-one-year-anniversary had come and gone.... nothing.

Today it wasn’t only to the day three months after graduation, it was also exactly six months after their night at the ski lodge.

_After_ being the operative word. _After_ as in _gone._

She had set herself a timeline, a schedule, deadlines.

She had hoped although she knew it would be in vain.... and it was. Now she was following her plan. He would tease her about this. He had always said Joey Potter wouldn’t be Joey Potter without her plans and lists.

Perhaps he had been right all along.

Joey took a deep breath, gazing out of her window and back to the photograph she was holding in her hand. A picture of Pacey and herself, taken somewhere in the Keys twelve months ago.

She had chosen this day, this night as the penultimate marker in her countdown to goodbye.

It was the one point on her ‘to-do-list’ that was the most difficult one.

Writing this letter to Pacey, not knowing if he would ever receive and read it. Not knowing what he was thinking.

Still she needed to write him. She couldn’t leave without saying goodbye, without asking him to forgive her for all her mistakes.

Her almost forgotten smile tugged on her lips while she was thinking about him.

 

  
_I broke some promises_  
_Sometimes I lied to you_  
_But one thing will always be true_  
_I’ll never stop loving you_

 

 

~*~

 

 

**August 15th 2001**

**10:30pm**

Joey glanced around her room. She was ready. Everything was ready. She had tidied up her room, the room Pacey had built.

Her sister would be able to make good use of it, now that the B & B was really successful. The tourist season had kicked in full force. She would be so busy that she would hardly miss her. Maybe Alex would for a while, but he would forget her soon. He was still so young.

She had thrown away all unimportant things and put in order everything else. Whenever Bessie had walked in on her she had explained that she was getting ready for her move. A move that would never happen. She had withdrawn her application to Worthington and had snatched their letter of regret from the mailbox before anyone had the chance to see it.

She sat down on her bed. There was nothing left of her personal things except the picture of Pacey and herself as well as the old alarm-clock.

90 minutes.

 

**10:55pm**

Joey traced their picture with her index finger.

65 minutes.

Suddenly the phone in the hall started ringing. Joey hurried towards it preparing herself to answer to someone looking for a room.

“Potter Bed and Breakfast, good evening. This is Joey Potter speaking. May I help you?”

“Joey Potter being so polite, now where’s the world coming to? Must be the soon ripe old age of 18 years, huh?” Jen snickered.

Joey rolled her eyes. She hadn’t planned to talk to anyone but it was nice to hear Jen’s voice.

“My birthday is tomorrow, Jen. And it’s really late, you know? You could have woken up our paying customers.” Joey mocked.

“Duh.... I know that, Joey. I called now because Jack and I have decided to go out and test out those Boston clubs and then it would be too late to call...”

“... or to early!”, Joey heard Jack muttering in the background.

“...and I thought 11pm is at least a semi-decent hour to call. So, we just wanted to let you know that we’re thinking of you and we’ll be calling sometime tomorrow morning, okay?” Jen continued ignoring Jack’s remark.

“Okay.” Joey licked her lips. She wouldn’t be there then.

“Great. When are you going to move over here? Are your plans to do it next weekend still on?”

“Sure.” Joey rubbed her forehead.

“I’m sorry, Jo. Jack is whining here. Anxious much to explore the scene here.”

“Have fun you two.”

“Awww, thank you. We will. Sweet dreams and I talk to you soon, birthday girl.”

“Thank you.” Joey paused for a second. “Jen?”

“Mmhh?”

“Thanks for calling.”

“Everytime.”, Joey could almost see her friend’s eyes sparkle as her face morphed into a smile, which she was sure it did.

“Take care, Jen.” Joey had to swallow.

“You too. Later?”

“Later. And say hi to Jack for me.”

“Will do. Bye.”

“Goodbye, Jen.” Joey put the phone back, lingering a while before she returned to her room.

55 minutes.

 

**11:55pm**

Her room was almost dark. It was only illuminated by the nightlight and a candle on her nightstand.

It was time. No delaying anymore. It was time to go.

Joey took a deep breath and opened the drawer. The metal box seemed to glitter in the flickering light the candle provided.

She bit down on her bottom lip. It was time.

Joey opened the box with the small key she had kept hidden for so long. They were waiting for her.

She could never swallow pills and she was grateful that these were soluble.

There were sleeping pills her mother had used as the pain wouldn’t let her sleep anymore. They were strong and after her death Joey had retrieved a complete packet. She had made her decision.

There were other pills, a medication to suppress vomiting.

She would need both. In a surreal way it paid off to have studied chemistry so hard.

It was time.

She watched as the water in the glass changed from the clear liquid into a milky shade as the pills dissolved in it.

One minute.

She was calm. She had made her decision long ago. She was glad that she hadn’t acted on it when she had made it in the first place.

If she had, she would have missed the best and happiest year of her life. She was contend.

The final countdown. Joey watched the hands of the old-fashioned clock move towards twelve. Born and died on the same day. It was symmetric.

Her eyes never left the photograph as she reached for the glass. Her happiest moment the last she would see.

“Ten, my love.”

Placing the glass gently back on the nightstand she blew out the candle.

  

 

~*~

 

 

**August 16th 2001**

Bessie checked the table for the last time and went up the stairs to wake up her baby sister who had ceased to be a baby quite a while ago. Her 18th birthday and she would be moving to Boston in a few days. Bessie shook her head. Time went by much to fast. Soon her own son would be 18, too. Even now she wished sometimes he could always stay a baby.

Bessie cleared her throat and lightened the candle on the small cake she was carrying. The real cake waited downstairs in the kitchen, complete with 18 candles. This little one was a tradition. Each sister would wake the other on her birthday singing and holding a cake with one candle.

Joey had made it clear that she wasn’t to be wakened before 11am and Bessie had obliged. She intended to spoil her sister as long as she still had her around.

Bessie opened the door. The day was cloudy and unusually cold for the middle of August. The gray light from the window and the still plugged in nightlight created an eerie twilight in the room.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Joey..... happy birthday to you.” Bessie crooned as best as she could.

No reaction.

“Joey, ... hey birthday girl, wake up.... time to rise and shine.” Bessie tried again unsuccessfully.

She frowned. This was strange. Joey did have a deep sleep, but this? On her birthday? Knowing that her favorite cake was waiting?

Bessie set the plate down and bent over Joey. Her face was relaxed, calm, quiet. Not a single movement.

“I won’t sing again, Jo.” Bessie raised her voice a little.

Nothing.

“Joey!” Bessie softly touched her shoulder to shake her and jerked her hand away abruptly. Her skin was so cold.

“Joey? Oh my God, Joey!” Bessie covered her mouth with her hand as tears streamed down her face.

 

_Fallen from your grace_  
_You’ll never be replaced_  
_God knows how hard I’ve tried_  
_But it just ain’t no use_  
_I thought I could shake you loose_  
_But I’m still torn up inside_  
_In time even memories fade away_  
_With time you might to live to forgive and forget_  
_The mistakes that I made_

 

_~*~_

 

Pacey stretched and yawned. The day had started early and was full of hard work. In a few days they would hit the port of Boston.

After the cruise to the Caribbean and a yacht full of people the change was noticeable. There were only 4 people on the boat now.... including himself.

They had docked at a small port in Rhode Island and now he was looking for the first phone that happened to cross his way.

It was her birthday today and he needed to call her, hear her voice and tell her, well maybe that part should be delayed until he could see her in person.

Only seconds after he had spotted the first public phone he was dialing her number.

It rang... and rang... and rang. Nobody answered.

Pacey checked his watch. 4pm. Maybe they were out, celebrating somewhere. He was too late.

A little disappointed Pacey turned and walked back to the yacht. He was tired.

 

 

~*~

 

 

**August 20th 2001**

For the past days he had tried to call her whenever he had the chance but somehow all the time nobody answered the phone. Nobody.

Pacey started to worry. What was going on there? It was unusual that he couldn’t get hold of at least one member of the Potter family. They had to be there, it was tourist season and they had the B & B.

A feeling of uneasiness started to grow and spread within him.

Finally they had arrived in Boston and as soon as they got docked and settled in he was on his way to Worthington.  
If Joey had stuck to her plan she would be there since the weekend.

He had absolutely no idea how to find her on the campus and decided to try the Student Dormitory Information Center.

He pushed against the door but it didn’t open. Only then did he acknowledge the little sign on it which said: ‘Open daily from 8am to 5pm’.

Pacey checked his watch. 5:05pm.

He was too late again.

“Damn it!” he was frustrated. Another day was going to pass by without talking to her. He had lasted over three months without talking to her, but it had started to eat at him after only one day. He couldn’t stand it anymore.

 

 

~*~

 

 

**August 21st 2001**

This time he was punctual. It was 9:30am and the information center was open. Pacey took a deep breath and stepped closer.

A blonde girl sat behind the counter, reading and perfectly ignoring him.

“Hey.”, Pacey muttered.

“Huh?” the girl looked up and finally realized his presence.

“Oh, hi. Can I help you with something?” she licked her lips eyeing him.

Pacey was not in the mood to flirt. He only wanted the information he craved so much.

“Actually, yes. I’m supposed to meet my... uhh.....friend here, but I forgot her dorm number and I wondered if you might help me out?”, Pacey asked nonchalantly.

“Uhhmm...” the girl pondered his request, “Okay... but I do need you to identify yourself. ..... You know safety regulations.” she added apologetically.

“Sure.” Pacey handed her his ID and his driver’s license. “That will do I suppose?”

“Of course.” she noted his name and ID numbers while asking, “Okay, so.... then I need the full name of your friend please.”

“Josephine Potter”

“Okay, just a second.” she typed something in the computer that was sitting in front of her and frowned, “Hhmmm..... I’m sorry, there’s no entry on that name. Are you sure she’s living on campus?” she moved her eyes away from the screen to meet his.

Pacey held his breath staring at the girl. Something was wrong, very, very wrong. He knew it.

“I am very sure. She just enrolled here.” his voice was desperate.

“Really? ‘k, than I’ll try something else.” she returned her attention back to the screen.

“Oh.” the small exclamation made Pacey tense up.

“Oh?” he asked slowly.

“Uhhmm.... I found her file in the registration, but...” the girl offered him a small smile, “...well, she has withdrawn her application a few weeks ago.”

“What?” Pacey swallowed hard, not believing what he was hearing. Joey would never give up Worthington.... unless....

“I’m sorry. Josephine Potter is not enrolled at Worthington.”

Pacey slumped down. He had to let this information sink in.

Joey Potter not enrolled at Worthington. Nobody was answering the phone at the B & B.

His heart tightened in his chest and fear invaded every thought.

He had to get home, back to Capeside. He had to find Joey.

 

 

~*~

 

**August 22nd 2001**

Morning

Pacey stepped out of the train at Capeside Station. The bright sunshine of the perfect summer’s day blinded him, but he only felt cold shivers running up and down his spine.

He was exhausted, tired and restless. He hadn’t been able to sleep and he had spent most of the night at the very railway station in Boston where he had picked her up shortly before he had kissed her for the second time in his life.

He had lost track of how many times he had tried to call her, the B & B, or even his brother. Nothing.

He couldn’t even feel his heart ache anymore. He felt numb. The closer he got to Capeside, the more a nauseous feeling spread from his stomach through his whole body.

He had left his hometown on a Wednesday in May. He returned on a Wednesday in August. Fourteen weeks later.

Everything seemed to be the same and yet his gut feeling told him everything had changed.

He stared out of the window of the old cab that drove him towards the Potter B & B. The scenery outside became a constant blur until the driver stopped.

It was fairly early, a quarter past ten. He supposed the guests would be around for breakfast but when he reached the front porch he saw the sign.

‘Sorry, closed due to family business.’

Closed due to family business? Pacey closed his eyes. What the hell was happening here? Ever since they had opened the B & B had never been closed, come rain or sunshine, holiday or not. Never. But now it was deserted. No guests, no Bessie, no Alex, no Bodie.... and most importantly no Joey.

Despite the sign he tried the door. It was locked. He knocked. No response. Only silence.

The cab had left as soon as he had left it.

Pacey stuffed his hands into his pockets and slowly walked towards the dock. Her dock, her boat, their memories.

He hesitated. Her boat bobbed on the gentle waves, inviting him or was it mocking him? He stared at it thinking about his odds.

“Why not. What’s the worst she could do to me anyway?” Pacey threw his bag into the rowboat and jumped in while untying it at the same time.

_“Well, it's the damnedest thing. I just got into Dawson's rowboat and magically drifted towards your dock.”_

Now it was the other way round. Her rowboat would take him to Dawson’s dock.

 

Pacey wasn’t sure if Dawson was still in Capeside or already in Los Angeles. Once they had set sail towards the Caribbean he had broken down all the bridges behind him. He hadn’t contacted anyone of them, not his friends, not his parents, not Joey. Once he had left a message on Doug’s answering machine when he was sure he wasn’t at home. Only saying that he was alright and working on a yacht for the summer. Nothing more and he was regretting it for the past few days. Maybe it had been a mistake... one of many.

Again he was greeted by a silent house. Nobody was home. Again silence.

His eyes wandered over to Mrs. Ryan’s house. It was no longer her house. He knew that she had sold it to move to Boston with Jen and Jack.

There was no use in trying if anybody was there. He would only find strangers. Strangers... just like the stranger he had made himself to be.

It was almost 11am and Pacey decided to try his luck at ‘Leery’s Fresh Fish’. He shouldered his bag and started to walk into town. A long walk but he didn’t even notice his tiredness anymore. He was mechanically setting one foot before the other until he reached the restaurant.

The door was closed and again there was a sign attached to it: ‘August 22nd – We’re closed for a private party’.

“Well, if they’re having a party then there has to be someone around.”, Pacey muttered and pounded against the door.

No reaction. Just silence.

Pacey let out a bitter laugh and shook his head. “Of course not....”

He wiped the sweat off of his forehead that the rising midday sun had created even though he felt rather cold.

The restaurant wasn’t far away from Capeside’s police station. Maybe at least Doug or even his father would be there. Maybe they would have some answers for him. If they were to talk to him at all.

 

He pushed the swing-door and the department he had spent more time in as he had ever wanted to. It was small and but he knew almost no one who worked there and so they ignored him just as much.

Pacey looked around but neither his father nor his brother were to be seen.

“Officer?” Pacey held up his hand trying to stop the man as he flew past him.

“Well, ... may I help you?” the officer replied a little startled.

“I’m Pacey Witter, I’m looking for my brother and my father. Are they around?” he tried to hide the disappointment in his voice.

“Oh..., no, I’m sorry. Sheriff Witter and his son have taken this day off for personal reasons.” the officer stared at him apologetically, “I’m sorry.”

Pacey just nodded, “Thanks.” and turned back to the door.

No Potter’s, no Leery’s, no Witter’s. Nobody. Nothing. Maybe Doug would be in his apartment. Where else could he be?

 

He went straight to Doug’s apartment. Once upon a time he had lived there, too. Surprisingly it had been actually one of the best times of his life. Not as good as living with Gretchen in the beach house, and of course at length not as exciting and wonderful as living with Joey on board of True Love..... but it definitely belonged to those good times.

He rang the doorbell. He knocked. He pounded. And again, nothing.

Pacey sighed defeated. It was just not possible. If it weren’t for all the other people crowding the sidewalks and the cars rolling over the small town streets he would start believing that he was in a sort of science fiction movie where he was the last surviving human being on the whole planet.

Where the hell was everyone? Where was Joey? Why couldn’t he find her? Why didn’t he feel her presence at the B & B like he used to be able to?

Pacey searched in the ‘secret’ hiding place for Doug’s second set of keys and let himself into the apartment. He couldn’t think straight anymore, he couldn’t walk anymore.... he needed to rest for a while.

His brother’s apartment looked the same as it had when he had been there the last time. The couch which had become his second home seemed to wink at him and he couldn’t resist.

“Only for a few minutes... .” Pacey mumbled right before the exhaustion and stress asked for their tribute. His eyes fell shut of their own accord and sleep took over his body.

 

Afternoon

It was later than he had thought it would be. The burial had to be delayed because out of a sudden stronger winds came up and it would have been impossible to... just as if some higher powers tried to postpone what was necessary. But whatever it was it failed like the rest of them.

He shook his head. He couldn’t think about it any longer. They had been there, everyone who had mattered to her. Everyone who belonged to their self created family. A family that wasn’t connected by blood but of an even stronger bond.

You can’t choose who is part of your biological family, but you can choose your friends. They had chosen each other.

He was still amazed that they considered him to be a part of this voluntary family. And he was angry and hurt.

Angry at her because she had chosen to break their bond. Chosen to say goodbye in the most final way possible.

Angry at himself because he hadn’t seen it coming. He had watched her distancing herself from everyone over the last few months. He had watched her becoming a shadow of the girl he had known for so long.

Angry at the one person who hadn’t been there. Who should have been there. Whose duty it would have been to be there. Who could have prevented anything from happening in the first place. ... Well, that was not true. It was only a possibility that he could have stopped her. Maybe he would have only delayed it. They would never know now.  
Angry at him because he had left it to him to take care of her family. Forced him to be strong.

Hurt because he blamed himself.  
Hurt because he had allowed all of them to take a place in his heart and now she had taken away a part of it.  
Hurt because he had failed.  
Hurt because he hadn’t been there.

And he was afraid. Afraid of what he would have to do in the future. He wasn’t sure when exactly he would be coming back but someday he would be there when everybody else was gone. He would ask him what had happened. Why it happened. And he would have to answer him.

The sun was still shining although time and again she hid behind small clouds. It was slightly colder than in the morning, or maybe it was just him.

Opening the door he instantly knew that the day he was afraid of had arrived much sooner than expected. Yet it hadn’t arrived soon enough.

 

 

Pacey had fallen in a restless sleep but his bodily need for rest was so strong that he didn’t wake up as somebody opened the door.

By opening the door to his apartment Doug’s gaze fell upon the bag that had been dropped right behind it. He knew that bag. Pacey was home. Now.

Only seconds later he found his brother sleeping on the couch. Actually it was really his couch since the moment he had stepped into the apartment and asked him to move in with him.

Doug sighed and sat down on the coffee table scanning the features of his little brother. Even asleep a worried expression hadn’t left him.

“Oh little brother, ... why?” Doug whispered unsure of what to do now. Should he let him sleep for a while longer? Should he wake him up? If he did, should he tell him right away? Should he wait?

He wasn’t prepared for this. Not for the conversation they had to have.

He was used to tell people that they had lost one of their beloved. It was part of his job. It was always hard and difficult, but it was nothing compared to this. This was so personal, so familial, so unbelievable.

While he was thinking about how to approach his brother Pacey stirred and opened his eyes.

 

Pacey stretched opening his eyes and realizing that Doug was sitting in front of him.

“Hey, Dougie..... about time you showed up here. I can’t believe that nobody was around at all here. Does Capeside offer a fascinating and time occupying new attraction or what is it that makes people so hard to get in touch with?” Pacey asked trying to let his concern not shine through.

“Well, no... Pacey. You can’t really expect people to sit around waiting for you to decide to have the urgent need to talk to them for more than three months.” Doug replied snidely.

This wasn’t how he had imagined talking to his little brother. He just couldn’t help it. He was still angry.

Pacey stood up nodding his head. He wasn’t so sure anymore what he had thought a reunion with his brother and everyone else would look like.

He went over to the window and stared outside.

“I guess you can’t.”

Silence fell heavily between both of them. Their minds working on how to approach the subject which was in the end one and the same.

Pacey cleared his throat.

“You know, last week was Joey’s 18th birthday. I tried to call her, but she wasn’t home. I actually tried several times since then and I never got hold of her or anyone at the B & B, or you. I couldn’t reach any of you.”

Doug bit down on his lip.

“And yesterday, when we docked at Boston Marina, I went over to Worthington. I thought she would be there by now.” Pacey paused, still staring out of the window, “But she is not. In fact she has apparently withdrawn her application weeks ago. .... And I can’t find her, Doug.” Pacey turned around facing his brother.

Doug lowered his gaze to the floor as Pacey turned towards him.

“Pacey, ... I have to tell you something.” his voice was slightly trembling as he tried to stay as calm as possible.

Pacey glanced at his brother and noticed for the first time that he was wearing a black suit and a black tie. Black. He was pale and looked as tired and exhausted as he was feeling himself.  
“Okay, ... tell me.” Pacey whispered not leaving his place by the window.

“Maybe you should consider sitting down, Pacey.” Doug suggested.

Pacey inhaled, exhaled.

_Maybe you should consider sitting down, Pacey._

This could only mean bad news. Bad news and a black suit. He felt his heart rate picking up while the last warmth he had left his body.

As if in slow motion he moved back over to the couch and sat down.

“So, ... tell me, Doug.” Pacey tried to prepare himself for whatever Doug was going to tell him.

Doug cleared his throat once again and reached for Pacey’s hand. Pacey was a little startled but didn’t jerk his hand away.

“Pacey, it’s about... The reason you couldn’t reach... Joey, is... .” Doug helplessly searched for the right words, but there were none.

With every syllable that left his brother’s mouth Pacey’s heart broke a little more, his life leaving him at the same speed. He felt like he knew what Doug was about to say.

“Joey is.... Joey has died, Pacey.”

Pacey closed his eyes. Everything was spinning inside his head. He felt tears stream down his face, but he couldn’t say anything. It was as if he wasn’t there. He shook his head. Over and over again.

“No, no, no. Doug, no that can’t be right, no.” Pacey cried, “When...?”

Doug licked his lip. He knew it would get worse soon.

“She died on her birthday... in the night from the 15th to the 16th of August.”

Pacey jumped up, pacing through the small living room area.

“That makes no sense, why would she die? She can’t die, not now. She’s 18 years old, she is not sick. What happened?”, Pacey yelled not accepting what Doug was telling him.

Doug stood up stepping in front of Pacey. He laid his hands on Pacey’s shoulders, forcing him to stand still.

“Pacey, Joey is dead. She is gone. ... Pacey, she committed suicide.”

“No... you’re lying. She would never, ... why are you lying to me? No!”, Pacey shook Doug’s arms away and started punching him.

Doug had expected this and fended off his blows.

“I’m sorry, Pacey. Nobody can believe that she is gone, but she is, Pacey. I just came home from her burial. Pacey, do you hear me?” Doug managed to get a hold on Pacey’s arms and tried to get through to him.

“She can’t be dead. She can’t.” Pacey slumped back down on the couch rocking back and forth while burying his head in his hands.

Doug awkwardly tried to envelope his brother in a hug but was pushed away again.

“I don’t believe you! Where is she, huh? Does she want to pay me back for leaving without a goodbye? What kind of joke is this?” Pacey screamed.

“Pacey, please. This is no joke. Please... I know how hard this is for you, for all of us,.... but...”

“You said you were at her burial. So where is she? Where is her grave, huh? Bring me to her.” Pacey demanded desperately.

Doug felt his own tears spilling in his eyes again.

“I can’t, Pacey.... ”

“See, you are a liar...”

“It was a burial at sea. She didn’t want to be buried, she... she wanted to have her ashes to be scattered into the sea...”

Pacey nodded. Even if nothing else made sense this did.

“She was always afraid of the dark...”

“Pacey...”

“Everyone was there... where is there, where did you...” Pacey couldn’t finish the sentence.

Doug leaned against the sideboard. He knew it would increase Pacey’s pain, but he had asked. He had a right to know.

“She wanted ... she wanted us to do it exactly were the True Love sank.” Doug wiped his tears away.

“Where my... our ... True Love ... sank.” Pacey repeated still rocking himself, “she’s dead. Joey is dead. Joey is gone. ... She’s gone.”

Suddenly it was all too much. He couldn’t accept it. It had to be a lie, it couldn’t be true. He couldn’t stand to be in this room anymore.

Pacey sprang up and raced towards the door and down the stairs before Doug could even realize what he was up to.

“Pacey, wait.... don’t, ... Pacey!”, Doug lunged for the door but it was already too late. Pacey was gone.

“Shit, shit, shit.”, Doug ran his hand through his short hair. He dashed into his bedroom and changed in Jeans and sneakers before running after his little brother. He couldn’t let him be alone right now. He couldn’t risk losing him like they had lost Joey.

 

 

Pacey was blinded by tears but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter. He just ran.

There was Molley’s Market, ... there was her wall, their wall, ... there was the marina, ... there was the boathouse, ... there was the dock, ... there was the slip that used to be True Love’s place.

At the end of the dock he broke down, hugging himself.

He was too late. It was his fault. Why hadn’t he called her. ... Why had nobody called him? ... Because he had made one too many mistake on top of all the others.

He had left. And now she had left.

This time he had been the first to go and she the last. She had gone for good. She had left him just when he had found his way back to her, to them.

 

**Evening**

It was almost dark when Doug finally found his brother. He had been everywhere he could think of. As he didn’t find him at the docks, he had dropped by the B & B.

Bessie had been in no state to talk to, but he had informed Bodie. Pacey hadn’t been there, although he had been earlier in the day. He had taken Joey’s boat. Nobody else would have done that.

Finally he had remembered. Finally he knew where Pacey was.

 

After a while Pacey couldn’t bear to be next to the water. He didn’t run either. He walked aimlessly and then again not as random as it appeared.

He found himself walking towards the ‘Welcome To Capeside’ sign.

_Don't you ever get tired of talking?_

Now she would never talk again. They would never exchange their playful banter again. They would never be themselves again.

It was almost dark when a car stopped right behind him.

“Pacey... I’ve been looking all over for you. You shouldn’t be alone right now. Please, let us go home.” Doug pleaded.

“I am alone. Nothing can change that now. It’s my fault.” Pacey ignored Doug’s offer.

“No, Pacey, no. It’s not the fault of anyone. It happened. You don’t know if you could have done anything to stop her.”

“Exactly. I don’t know, because I wasn’t there. I left her. I didn’t help her.”

“Pacey...”

“No, Doug. I know that it is my fault.”

Doug sighed. He had to tell him what Bodie had told him a few days earlier.

“No it is not. ... It wasn’t.... wasn’t her first attempt, Pacey.”

At this words Pacey jerked his head around and eyed his brother emotionless.

“What?”

“Right after her mother died and her father was arrested... Joey tried to cut her wrists, but Bessie found her before she could do anything.”

Pacey’s eyes widened. He hadn’t known.

“She attended a psychological treatment for a while and she never attempted it again. But she had planned it, Pacey. She had planned this for a long time. Maybe you could have delayed it, but in the end...”

“How will you know that, huh? How...”

“We searched her room, Pacey ... and there was this box in her nightstand. She had hidden strong sleeping pills and others to prevent vomiting which would have caused suffocation. She, Joey knew what she was doing.”

“No, I never... she never said anything about kil....” Pacey stopped himself, “... I should have known, shouldn’t I if she had.... problems.”

“No, she had a fragile personality that she learned to hide well.”

“You know that I kissed her here for the second time in my life?” Pacey asked abruptly.

Doug nodded. “You told me that once.”

“I can’t remember where I kissed her the last time. I just can’t remember...” Pacey cried again.

“Don’t Pacey, don’t torture yourself like this.” Doug moved closer, “She wouldn’t want you to do that.”

“Why did she do it then?”

This time Pacey allowed Doug to hug him.

“I don’t know, Pacey. But... when you left the apartment this afternoon... I was about to give you something. She... Joey left you a letter. I got it mailed a day after... Maybe her letter will help to answer your questions. Come home with me, Pace.”

A letter. She had left him a letter.

Pacey nodded and followed Doug to the car.

She would talk to him again. Not literally, but she would talk to him.

 

 

**The letter**

As soon as they got back to the apartment Doug handed Pacey her letter, which he took with shaking hands. This was the last that was left of her.

“I... uh... I’ll be in my bedroom. Give you some.... ahhmm... privacy. But I’m here, okay?”

“Yeah.” Pacey didn’t look up only staring at the piece of paper in his hands. His heart was beating up to his throat, although it was broken in millions of small pieces. He was feeling cold.

Slowly he opened the envelope, careful not to tear it, careful because it was a piece of her in there.

He was ready for the conversation with her.

 

_Capeside, August 7th 2001  
Dear Pacey, my love,_

_I don’t know when or even if you will get this letter and if you’ll care to read it. Maybe you won’t come back to Capeside or you will hate me so much...  
Anyway. I’m going to send it to Doug. I don’t know where Gretchen is and if you ever plan to contact somebody of your family, it is going to be either her or him and I hope it will be both._

_You have been gone for three months and I know now that I won’t see your face again. At least not in person. But that is not important. I don’t need to see your face, because I have it with me all the time. You’re in my heart, Pace. I told you once that my heart was a fixed point and it still is because of you._

_While I’m writing this letter I have our picture in front of me. You know, the picture Dawson took of us at Christmas._

_So you see, you are all around me.  
I know that I’ve made mistakes, Pacey. I made so many of them and you still believed in me and in us, but I guess I made one too many. You couldn’t stand it anymore. I know that now. If I could I would turn back time and take everything back that has hurt you._

_I love you so much, Pace. I never intended to hurt you in any way, but I did. I never took you for granted or your love, or us... you have to believe that. I just... I wanted everything, Pacey. I wanted to be with you, I wanted Dawson to be our friend, I wanted everything to stay the same. I couldn’t bear the thought that I could lose any other person. So I did what I did. I thought I could suit everybody, but that wasn’t possible and you knew that, didn’t you?_

_I should have put you and you alone in the first place. I’m so sorry I didn’t do that. I didn’t and that is the reason why you had to leave._

_Every person I have loved has left me, Pacey. This can’t excuse my behavior, but maybe it can explain why I acted this way._

_I was never very good at apologizing and now I’m not any better at it._

_My heart has always asked you to stay. Always. Only my mouth wouldn’t form the words. I am sorry, you’ll probably never know how sorry I am._

_I hope that those bad memories you might have of me will fade with time and that you’ll be able to forgive me._

_I broke promises I made to you and I even lied to you, but I really never wanted you to be hurt by my actions._

_You were and still are the one for me, Pacey. You and not anybody else and that includes Dawson. You are my everything, Pace. I’ve never stopped loving you and I’ll never will. You hold my heart and I’ll never ask for having it back._

_I know you’ll probably not understand what I am about to do. Maybe you’ll hate me for it. And again I have to apologize._

_It’s about me and my life. I am nothing, Pacey. I really am and you and a lot of other people had to suffer because of that. I can’t live like that anymore. I have to stop hurting people and hurting myself in consequence._

_You are better off without me. I want to leave, Pacey. I’m afraid I’ll be surrounded by darkness but I have to do this. I have to end my life._

_I know you, Pace. I know what you’ll be thinking now that you’re reading this letter._

_I know you think it was your fault, but it is not. It’s mine, not yours, not anybody else’s, just my own.  
I am what I am and there is nothing you could have done to change it._

_I don’t want you to feel guilty, because you are not. It’s my decision and I made it long ago. For some reason I waited to follow it through and I am so happy that I waited._

_The last year, Pacey, the last year was the best and happiest in my whole life. Do you know why? Because of you, Pace. I am so grateful that I was allowed to experience how it is to be loved so much, to share so much with another person, to give oneself to the one person you love so deeply._

_Do you know what happened six months ago? I do and I could never forget it. You waited for me for nine long months. And this night at the ski lodge... you know I’m not comfortable with talking about sex, but it wasn’t just sex... it was love. You made love to me and I made love to you._

_With you I experienced everything that is worth living for. Looking in your eyes while being so intimately joined with you... I could see us together and I could even see our children, see me as the mother of your children._

_So, I guess what I’m trying to say here is, that I thank you, Pacey. Because of you I have lived my life to the fullest. I am contend now. I know I’ll never regret and that I am ready to go now._

_This is it for me, Pacey. This is my stop.  
Do you remember the movie ‘Night Mother’ ? There was this character named Jessie and she referred life to a ride on a bus in the summer’s heat. She said, if you are on the bus and it’s so hot that you can barely stand it, you wished you could exit but you don’t do it because you would have to walk 50 blocks home. She said, imagine you could get off at a stop when you wished to. Why wait another 50 blocks if it’s going to make you even more miserable?_

_So this is my stop. There is no use in waiting maybe 50 years or longer. This is it and it’s time for me to go._

_I want you to live your life until your stop comes around, Pace. I don’t want you to blame yourself for my decision._

_I am contend with what I have and what I had._

_I love you and I love you more than life._

_And again I’m quoting: Just let me go easy._

_Goodbye Pace_

_with all my love,_

_Joey_

 

~*~

 

 

_I broke some promises_  
_Sometimes I lied to you_  
_But one thing will always be true_  
_I’ll never stop loving you_

 

 

**May 16th 2011**

Ten years had gone by. Ten long years and Pacey was still waiting for his stop. He had moved on, day by day, but only because she wanted him to. He could never really deny her anything and her death hadn’t changed that.

Everyone had moved on, more or less. At first he had thought he wouldn’t be able to do it, he had thought he had died right with her, but he hadn’t. He was still here somehow.

Nobody blamed him, well, Dawson did. But that didn’t matter. Not much mattered to him anymore.

Dawson had returned to Los Angeles, extremely disappointed that Joey hadn’t said Goodbye to him. He hadn’t returned. Not even when his father had died only one year after Joey. It had been a car accident.  
Neither did he return to attend his mother’s wedding in 2008.

Pacey had stayed in Capeside. He had moved into the B & B and had been living in Joey’s room, their room ever since.

First Bessie, Bodie and Alex had lived there, too, but Bessie got so depressed that they moved to Hyannis when she got pregnant again in 2003. He had started to work as the manager of the B & B then and he still did.

It had been Lillian Potter’s dream and the dream of her daughters. Neither of them could close it and he liked his work.

In 2006 he had reopened the Icehouse which was now called “J’s”.

Both businesses were very successful and he could live very well with his manager salary and the income the restaurant produced.

But he didn’t need the money. He only kept what he needed to survive. Well, in 2008 he had bought a new boat and had named her “True Love’s Keeper”.

Whenever he had the time, he took her out to sea, sailing to the place were True Love and his true love had laid down to eternal rest.

They say ‘Seeing is Believing’.

Pacey had nothing to see. There was no grave, no tombstone, nothing. So most of the time he still refused to believe. He just waited.

With the money he didn’t need he founded a trust in her name for promising students of Capeside High who weren’t able to finance college on their own.

In 2007 Jen gave birth to her first daughter Amy, but fate struck again, when she died of heart failure days after Gale’s wedding in 2008.

Jen had been a single mother and she had left Amy in the custody of Jack and Doug. Yes, Doug had eventually admitted to be gay. But he and Jack were happy, and therefore Pacey was happy for him, too.

Jen’s death had finally explained why he was still alive. In a video message she had made for Amy she said:

_To Love Is To Live_

He still loved. He had never stopped. He would never stop loving her. And therefore he lived.

There had never been any other woman, not even an one night stand. He just couldn’t see anybody with him. He didn’t even miss it. She could never be replaced, not for one second.

He had Doug, Jack, Amy and Bessie, Bodie, Alex and their daughter Josie visited him several times each year. That was enough for him.

He lived, but his life had lost its color. His blue eyes were constantly glazed over with a dark veil. He didn’t care.

He just waited.

Today was the 10 – year – High School reunion.

He wouldn’t go there. Why should he? He opted for a nice long cruise to his favorite place, the place where she was with him, the place where he would join her when it was time for his stop. And he knew she would welcome him there.

It wasn’t the life he had pictured for himself, but he was content. Content that he had experienced love, just like Joey had said.

Not everybody was so fortunate to be loved like they had loved each other, like they still did.

With time he started to forgive himself for the mistakes he had made.

And he waited for his final stop.

 

~*~

 

**May 16th 2001**

**2:30am**

Pacey woke up with a start. He had been dreaming. A horrible nightmare had haunted him. Or was it a nightmare? Was it a vision of what would be, of what would happen if he would leave Capeside, if he would leave her like he had planned to do?

He stood up and reached for the bottle of water next to his bed. While drinking he remembered how easy it would be to swallow something with it, how easy it was to die.

He was alone. Gretchen had already left and he had planned to fly down to Miami in the morning. He had graduated but he had planned not to attend the graduation ceremony.

But if it was a vision was he able to do that? Could he leave not knowing? Could he leave and return to never see her face again?

Did he want to lead a mere content life than being happy, than being with her?

He was scared. He had never had a dream like that. So vivid, so real.... so disturbing.

He had known it all along. He would never stop loving her. Why should he go running in the first place? What if she really wanted to ask him to stay but just couldn’t voice it. Was he really ready and able to give up on her, on them?

 

**3:00am**

The soft sound of small stones thrown at her window woke her up. Confused she rubbed her eyes and tried to decipher what time it was. 3am.

“What the hell...?” she stood up and padded towards the window, opening it she found him standing below it, ready to throw another handful stones.

“What are you doing here for Christ’s sake? It’s in the middle of the night!” she hissed but she wasn’t angry, she was ... concerned. It had to be important, otherwise he wouldn’t....

“I need to talk to you, please? Just a few minutes?”, he begged whispering.

“Okay, sure... I’ll come down and let you in.” She was surprised, confused but mostly concerned. There was a strange urgency in his tone. She knew something was bothering him and she was worried.

 

**3:05am**

“So are you going to say something or would you rather just stare at me?” they were back in her room but he hadn’t said a word so far.

She started to feel self-conscious in her sleep wear, which was actually one of his boxers and one of his tank tops.

“Have you ever thought about....uhmm.... committing suicide?” he asked bluntly, smiling inwardly because he had always loved when she was wearing his clothes. She was wearing them now... he hoped it meant what he was hoping for.

“Wha.... what?” her eyes widened in surprise.

“Please, just answer..... did you... ever?”, he licked his lips nervously. Maybe he was crazy for running to her after this dream. Maybe he wasn’t.

“Well, I guess we have all thought about that, haven’t we? It crosses your mind. You ask yourself, would they miss me? But why are you asking this? Are you alright?” worry laced her voice and her dark eyes tried to read his blue ones.

“I don’t know, I just need to know.... would you ever consider.... actually committing suicide?”

“God, what’s wrong with you? We’re barely speaking for days and then you show up here, in the middle of the night and ask such strange questions.”

His eyes pleaded for her to answer. Maybe he was making a fool out of himself. He didn’t care. He loved her more than anything. Just the thought of a mere possibility of losing her was killing him.

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, never leaving his eyes. She didn’t know where all this was coming from but she could feel his tension. For some reason he seemed to be worried about her. Maybe it wasn’t too late after all.

“No, I don’t think I could do that.”

He sighed with relief.

“But... I don’t know, there might be situations where it could be a possibility, you know?”

He stared at her. So she might consider it one day. Maybe the thought was lurking somewhere in the depths of her unconsciousness.

“Do you still love me?” he needed her to say it. His heart was beating wildly and the blood was rushing through his veins.

She was taken aback. But maybe this was the chance she had prayed for. She wasn’t about to let it slip away.

“I never stopped loving you.”, she reached for his hand. It was cold, but he let her hold it and laced his fingers with hers.

He smiled a little.

“Even after everything I said to you on....”

She shook her head, interrupting him.

“I’ll never stop loving you. You are my everything. I know that I made so many mistakes and I’m so sorry I hurt you. If I could turn back time.... I would.”

He took a deep breath. These were almost exactly the same words she had written in the letter in his dream.

“I’m sorry, too. I love you and I can’t imagine not being with you.”, he stepped closer, hugging her tightly.

She didn’t flinch. She leaned against him, hugging him as strongly as he hugged her. Clinging to him. She had missed him so much.

He slowly took a step backwards. His eyes wandering to her nightstand.

“May I ... I know it sounds weird, but, may I open that drawer?”

She frowned. Following his gaze to her nightstand. She shrugged.

“Sure.”

He opened the drawer and saw a small metal box. It was locked. She had such a box. He hadn’t seen it before, or had he? Did he dream about it because he had seen it there?

He closed his eyes for a second. This was too surreal. His heart skipped a beat. Fear returned to him.

His voice hitched a little as he asked her.

“What is in that box?”

“Nothing... nothing important.” she replied a little uneasy biting on her bottom lip.

“Then why is it locked?”

“Because.” she avoided his questioning gaze.

“Because... what?” his voice became a little more demanding. What was she hiding? Pills?

“Just, because.” Her skin was blushing. Why was he so intransigent?

“Open it.” His eyes tried to lock with hers

“What?”

“You heard me, please open it.” Now he was pleading again.

“You are scaring me a little.” she was confused and embarrassed, because she knew she couldn’t get away with it.

“Please.”

His eyes begged her again and she couldn’t resist. She had never been able to resist him.

She sighed and retrieved a small key.

He watched her open the box. He smirked not quite believing what he was seeing.

“Condoms? You keep condoms in a locked box?”

She blushed again and tried to hide her face behind her hands.

He reached for her, holding her hands in his.

“Why?” he still loved to see her squirm.

“Because.... Alex opens everything within his reach. What if he found them and swallowed one, or if he threw them all over the room and Bessie would see them?.... And I don’t need them anymore, because you.... and even if you weren’t.... I started to take the pill so that we could.... but....” she rambled.

His grin turned into a smile.

“I love you, Jo. And I’m begging you to give us another chance even if I don’t have a boat right now.” He blurted out.

“You wouldn’t have to ask.” Finally she saw the sparkle in his eyes again, “Wanna stay here?”

“Uhmm....” he hesitated. Wasn’t it a bit too soon for that? They had still a lot of work to do.

“I don’t mean it like that, Pace.” Joey sensed his concern, “I just think that it is late, or very early for that matter and we could just sleep. I love to sleep in your arms.” She admitted shyly.

Pacey smiled. They could do that.

“I guess we can do that. We did it before, right?” he followed her back to her bed and climbed in behind her.

Just when they got settled in Joey stood up again.

“What?” Pacey frowned. Maybe the idea wasn’t so good.  
“Ahh... you know, the night light? I... don’t need it now, so...” Joey blushed as she placed the light on the floor.

“Right, you’ll always be my little skittish kitten, huh?” he grinned.

“Am not.” She pouted snuggling against him.

“Are too.”

“Am so not.”

“Oh yes, you are, my darling.” He laughed. It was good to be home.

They were silent for a while.

“Jo?”

“Mhhhmm?”

“Do you believe in dreams?” he sat up a little looking down on her.

“What do you mean? Like, if ... they have a hidden message or something?” Joey squinted her eyes. He was still acting a little weird.

“Yeah... well, I don’t know... I had this dream, or better put this nightmare this night...” he started to explain feeling a little embarrassed.

“That’s why you came here?” she interrupted him, raising her voice a little.

“Uhhmm, yeah... I....” Pacey paused. He knew he was walking on thin ice now, “I guess that was the trigger to come here.” He felt her eyes burning holes into him, “I... uh.... but it’s not exactly why I am here. I never really wanted us to... end. I knew you must have thought that I wanted that, but no... I was wrong, I thought we were better off this way, separate ways that would be leading us together again, someday.... but that’s wrong. Ever since this goddamned prom I had this urge to..., this desire to come back to you, to come back to us. I guess I was afraid... and this dream, this dream gave me the proverbial kick in the ass to stop thinking and start doing what my heart was telling me all along.” He let his hand trail up and down her back, waiting for her reaction.

“I was afraid, too, Pace. I... I wanted so much to talk to you, to tell you that I wanted you to stay. But I thought I had hurt you too much, and...” her voice broke.

“Hey, hey... don’t cry now. It’s okay. It’s us, Jo, two complete morons....” Pacey tried to lighten her mood. “We are a pair, huh?”

“Yeah.... So you are telling me, we are going to work through our issues and be together because of a simple dream?” Joey mocked slightly.

“No. I prefer to call it fate.” Pacey announced stubbornly.

“Whatever... you know that we have to work on us? Both of us?” she asked. They were given a second chance but it had to be for the right reasons.

“I know. I want to do that.” He assured her.

“Okay.... So, when are you telling me what that dream of yours was about already, huh?” she prodded.

“Uhmm.... believe me, you don’t wanna know.... at least not now.” He would tell her, later, much later. There was no need to scare her.

“But remember me, to talk to Jen tomorrow.” Maybe it was still a vision of the future and then, maybe it was important what he had dreamt, maybe not. But he wouldn’t take that risk.

 

**Noon**

The graduation ceremony was over. All of them had graduated. All had received their certificate.

Bessie was taking the millionth picture and they were happy.

“So, it’s time, Jo.” his eyes holding her gaze.

“I know. I’m glad you decided to delay your flight.” She snuggled into his chest.

“Me, too.” His arms pulled her closer against him.

“You sure that you don’t want me to take you to the airport?” she mumbled against his skin, trying to prolong the time they had left together.

“Positive. I hate long goodbyes.” His heart ached just at the thought of it but now he had a reason to come home again. And the pain only showed him that he was alive, something he hadn’t felt for a while.

“Okay, see you in three months, then?”

“You bet!”

He leaned in for their umpteenth kiss goodbye.

They had decided to have a happy life, not only a content one. No running away from it because only to love is to live and only together they were alive.

 

 

Sometimes dreams come true and sometimes you don’t want them to come true. Either way it’s your decision what you make out of your life. And you only have one. So think about it.

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics are taken from _I'll Never Stop Loving You_ by Cher


End file.
